SHEETCAKE PARTY #1

[goneawaymod]

SHEET CAKE MEETUP

“Who the fuck is Linda?”

The question pops up every few minutes, a little tack of punctuation above the offensively-inoffensive music being piped in*. The room the hires have been ushered into is clearly just a conference room, with a layout that requires either sitting at awkwardly-spaced intervals around a giant table or milling and scooting around the smaller folding table, where the “big surprise” the corporate officers promised them is on display: a sheet cake.

A sheet cake that that still bears HAPPY BIRTH DAY LINDA in blue icing across the top, although someone has, at least, gone to the effort of writing welcome, to the team new hires in Sharpie on a purple flashcard and used a Popsicle stick and tape to plant it like a dismal flag right in the middle of Linda’s “DAY”. Dedication aside, the cake itself looks pretty suspect too, not as if it were poisoned but more like if it were salvaged. The cake part looks dry, and the frosting seems strangely...sweaty. No one’s eating yet, and yet there’s already a piece missing.

However, there’s no lack of enthusiasm around the room. A projector hooked up to a laptop casts an off-center, warped rectangle of WELCOME TO, THE BEST TEAM. NEW HIRES!! onto a wall. The many paper plates have a festive print, although they all seem to be Christmas themed. The table cloth looks as if it came from both 4th of July and potentially a war, given the scuffs and tears. The shot-glass sized paper cups are inadequate to hold a satisfying amount of sparkling cider, but at least they don’t leak. There are many more plastic knives than forks, which could prompt some hires to give in to their animal instincts and just use their hands, or perhaps start a barter economy for the better utensils.

“I’m so jealous,” a corporate employee keeps saying as she ushers hires into the room. “We haven’t had a good party in this office since Kelly’s baby shower, and that little girl practically has teeth now!”

(An eagle-eyed hire may suspect that the box of donuts next to the sheet cake might have come from said baby shower, on account of the fact that the few stale hunks of donut remaining have Pepto-Bismol pink strawberry icing and that there’s still the paper envelope for a gift card with ITS A GIRL written on it.)

Most of corporate slips out after the hires get set up - this is clearly an event for the hires to do some “team building” and work on “rapport” in addition to filling their bellies with cake that tastes remarkably like sand. There’s a karaoke machine in the corner, but hires are instructed not to touch it because, as an employee points out, last year’s Christmas party demonstrated that karaoke is the worst thing in the entire world for morale (“in any world! even before this one got eaten away by the bombs!”).

There’s an additional big glass jar filled with scraps of paper, which the hires are informed are filled with prompts for ice breakers and activities in case the party needs a pick-me-up. Any hire who investigates will find that most of the ice breaker activities start with three benign questions (“what’s your name?” “where are you from?” “what’s your favorite animal?”) and somehow, always a fourth question that feels a little invasive (“what are your feelings on unions?” “under what circumstances would you kill an innocent person?” “do you use the same passwords for all your accounts?”).

“Please enjoy yourselves and all the desserts Jorgmund has generously supplied you with,” one of the employees says on her way out, “and don’t worry about making a mess, janitorial gets paid too much to sit around as is.”

*All music that can be summarized as ’grocerycore’.

Comments

[likeits1999]

"We've kinda been a thing since pretty much always, at least I think?" says Kevin. He's accepting that apology and recovering quickly, it's not like she meant to bring up bad memories.

Oh wait. Back up. He hasn't mentioned the vampire thing.

"...I'm kind of a vampire," he backtracks. "I've been meaning to tell people but also there's been a lot going on."

[wheyoftheadept]

Saturday blinks. If this was her world, she'd know what to do: say she was sorry for his loss, and ask what he needed. But maybe people like being vampires in his world.

"So - what's that like?" is what she settles on.

[likeits1999]

"Mostly it sucks," he says with the casualness of someone who has gotten to say this a lot recently. "But I deal with it and I don't have to bite anybody here, so that's about as good as it gets."

"I'm like, not a real old or powerful vampire or anything. The real old ones have been around for like thousands of years and they kind of want to kill everyone else and are real good at it, and I guess the spirit world is busted or something. At least that's what the werewolves think about it. That's how the Apocalypse is turning out."

[wheyoftheadept]

Saturday blinks. Then she nods, understandingly.

"Dude. Your shit sounds more fucked than my shit."

And that, her face says plainly, is saying something.

"...anyone died and come back yet? Cause we've had that happen like three times."

[likeits1999]

Kevin shrugs, his shoulders keep the hunch a little. It's weird being offered kindness about the end of the world, it just is what it is.

"I guess technically me and all the other vampires already died and came back once cause.... vampires. But also one of my friends died and came back different, and I'm not sure if we all technically died once when we went to go talk to God kind of? But maybe? The whole life and death thing gets real confusing and weird after you've already died the first time apparently."

His life has plunged so deep into all this nonsense that it's surprisingly effortless to talk about.

"And I am real sorry you're tangled up in some shit that's even comparable, dude."

[wheyoftheadept]

" - man now I feel like we should swap stories," Saturday says thoughtfully. "Anyway, my best friend died, then turned into a dragon, then died again and came back to life because Death made her like, a sacred warrior? But Death is actually really chill and not evil, she just likes stories. And my other friend Bit got her throat slit, but we were close enough to stop her dying all the way - and technically me and Bit both died in the warehouse explosion. See, there were these horrible bug monster things, and they were trynna take over the world starting with our 'hood, so like, anyway, things got to where it was blow the hive with us inside or let them win so like...."

She trails off, having suddenly gotten a lot closer to something she never wants to think about again than she meant to.

[likeits1999]

"...Sounds like you guys know more about death than me by now, man, and I'm the dead one," says Kevin thoughtfully. "And bro I wish I could turn into a dragon, that would be so sick."

He's filing all this away about Saturday, he gets the feeling that some of this is heavier than he might have a right to poke at. For now, at least.

He zeroes in on the more fun part of that story.

[wheyoftheadept]

"It's awesome." Saturday latches on to that as hard as she can, ignoring the and also why she was captured by Mangheath, why they wanted to dissect her. "She takes my niece on dragon rides, it's the cutest thing."

She swings one arm, for lack of anything else to do. There's a sense of barely contained energy around her, like she'd be pacing if it wouldn't give too much away. "One time she and a couple of other dragons we met went hunting, to teach her how to hunt in dracoform, and they ran into this herd of like, intelligent magic pigs who hate everyone? Apparently it was a hell of a fight - " She pauses there, as if expecting someone to chime in for half a second.

"Scylla gets embarrassed if you tell the story, though," she continues after that odd moment. "Apparently landing is really hard and she, uh, kinda ate shit."

[likeits1999]

Kevin laughs. "Oh yeah that makes sense cause flying's gotta be like, a whole thing to learn. I ate shit a lot of times when I was learning to skate and that's... different but you gotta teach your whole body to do stuff it doesn't understand."

"...I'd share some stories about my friends but like, I have not had friends for very long and most of our stories have to do with the whole apocalypse thing so it's kinda weird," he continues, as if this is embarrassing to admit.

"One time I did get to skate across a whole room full of people as a distraction so they could sneak somebody outside and talk to him, though. That was fun. Fancy vampires don't like skateboards but they had to pretend to put up with me for once."

[wheyoftheadept]

"I keep tellin' her that!" Saturday grins. "Honestly flyin' kinda freaks me out, at least when I'm just riding along. Like if they get hurt or fuck up I can't exactly ditch, you know?"

"Sounds like some solid facework. How come they had to put up with you, though?"

[likeits1999]

Kevin blows out a big breath as he considers how many words it's gonna take him to successfully background this story. He puts one hand on the back of a chair and leans.

"Alright so like. Being a vampire is a secret. The like, vampire government is all 'don't nobody go and tell all the alive people about vampires cause it will be real bad' and that's true so we don't. Except when me and my friends were all doing the end of the world thing, we kind of got caught on camera fighting some monsters? And that was actually part of this one dude's whole plan anyway, but- nevermind that part."

He makes a sweeping motion with his other hand to shove that detail aside.

"Anyway. We got way famous real fast cause of that, but because fighting monsters is good that got spun like we were heroes and stuff so that made us important. I was never important before but being important means that suddenly all these other vampires wanted to be in good with me in case they could get some important off me or find out something important. And like... I try not to be a petty dude, you know?"

He shrugs, smiling.

"But man. After getting treated like street gum for years and years, that was real funny."

[wheyoftheadept]

"Shit. Musta had people coming for you like - bees to a wildflower," she says instead, belatedly realizing that 'flies to shit' might be taken as an offensive comparison. "For a piece of you and for favors. Wow."

She contemplates this for a moment.

"Musta been like when Ryumyo did his flyby on Mr. Fuji, back in 2011. One moment life is normal, the next there's dragons and elves and mages. Except you just got vampires, sounds like. Can't imagine people liked that."

[likeits1999]

"We didn't get 2011," Kevin says, "so I'm not sure about all that. Shit that would've been real crazy."

This whole other worlds thing is confusing, and it sounds like a lot of them are garbage so that's not great, but... it's also really cool. Kevin keeps thinking about how really cool it is sometimes.

[wheyoftheadept]

"We got vampires, too, but they're not like yours," she continues. "There's this real nasty virus called HMHVV, does different stuff depending on the strain and your metatype, but every time you end up someone who needs to eat essence to survive."

She thinks for a second, then explains essence. "Essence is like - your soul, almost? It's the mana-power, the magic energy, that everything that's alive has and generates because it's alive. Get infected with HMHVV and you're still like, alive, but your essence is gonna be leaking out steadily and you can only get enough to keep yourself going by - well, some gotta drink blood, some gotta eat flesh, some gotta make a certain kind of emotion... can get real baroque. Real fuckin' problem. No cure, either; no one really knows what to do about it, 'cause it's not like people ask for the condition. Well, some people say kill anyone who gets it but those people are assholes."

[likeits1999]

Kevin makes a face at the mental image he's forming for "essence leaking."

"That sounds hella messy," he says. "Like, it's bad enough with vampires drinking blood and having mind control powers and being immortal and all that crap, but different kinds of ways to be fucked up that are all kind of cousins like that? Yikes, dude."

[wheyoftheadept]

"Oh, jeez, mind control?" Saturday sucks in a sharp breath. "That shit fucking sucks, chummer, you guys get it out of the box?"

She shakes her head a bit. "And yeah, it's lame as hell. I got a friend back home, she's a ghoul - needs to eat flesh - it fucking sucks for her. It doesn't even have be alive still, she's got a deal with the local chopshop like most ghouls do, but people are so freaked out... it ain't right. It's a shit disease and a shit situation but how we're treating the people who got it ain't right."

Saturday has One political opinion, and this is it, apparently.

[likeits1999]

"Every vampire can kinda do mind control but like, some got more of it than the rest of us and it's.... yeah." He winces a little.

His attention perks up at the mention of ghouls, though. "Ghouls? That... sounds like it means something way different over there from what it means over where I am."

[wheyoftheadept]

"Yeah, one of the most common outcomes of a sapiens - human metatype - infection with HMHVV, that's the disease's name, is turning into a ghoul. You get a mean complexion problem and need to eat flesh to get mana back. Doesn't have to be living, like I said, but it super grosses people out, an' it's super contagious, so people just like. Lose it."

Saturday fidgets a little, in the manner of someone who knows they should mention a thing to be fair but doesn't want to.

"...an' all right, a fair number of 'em lose their minds when they transform and just - are like mindless monsters - but the ones that don't didn't ask for this and there's gotta be a better solution - "

She cuts herself. "Eh, inside baseball. What's a ghoul mean where you're from?"

[likeits1999]

Kevin shivers a little at that mental image. He supposes that's unfair, though, considering he drinks blood. But there's something about consuming a person's flesh that just... goes far beyond the blood thing.

It's probably just that he's disturbingly used to the blood thing.

"It's what you call a person that's drank vampire blood," says Kevin. He lowers his voice a little. It occurs to him that knowing some of this about vampire blood... might be bad if Jorgmund gets ideas about it. "It gives people some little vampire powers like being strong and stuff, but it's crazy addictive and mind controlly. So like. Don't."

[wheyoftheadept]

Saturday notes his shiver with a certain resignation; she's not sure why the flesh-eating bothers people more than the blood-drinking, but she does know that when HMHVV folk show up as characters in the trid, it's always vamps or banshees or something like that. It's eating essence either way, but for some reason people think blood is less freaky.

And anyway, ghouls can use the dead and vampires need the living; as far as she's concerned, that makes ghouls much easier to deal with. A body without a person inside is just meat.

She is aware that not everyone shares this view.

"That's - yeesh. I guess there's no way people don't use that to be shitheads, huh?"

[likeits1999]

Kevin nods. Kevin nods emphatically. There are so many shitheads, Saturday, so many.

[wheyoftheadept]

Saturday puts a hand on his shoulder, without flinch or hesitation, and nods sympathetically.

"I am so sorry, chummer."

[likeits1999]

"Me too, Saturday," Kevin says with feeling. "Me too."

"...But on the bright side, at least I don't think these guys can possibly be that bad."

It occurs to him that he may be dropping a jinx right now, but maybe if he tries hard enough not to think about that it won't stick?

[wheyoftheadept]

Saturday sucks in a pained breath.

"Oof. I got some bad news for you, then." She doesn't exactly smile; it's too angry to be a smile. "We got operations like Jorg all over where I'm from. Ain't a damn one of them wouldn't use mind control in a heartbeat if they could make it work - hell, fair few of 'em probably do. I wouldn't put anything past Aztechnology. Buncha' bastards."

[likeits1999]

Kevin looks around the room speculatively, as if trying to see some kind of blood magic sinisterness behind the distressingly lame party. The cake is definitely evil of some form, but probably a mundane one.

Probably.

"I feel like... if these guys had mind control powers or brain zappy remotes or whatever, we woulda found out about it by now. But also I'm like, an optimist or something, so."