goneawayworld | Not Sleeping Like a Dog

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Not Sleeping Like a Dog

Who: Sirius and Open
What: A great big “dog” sniffing around the Rig. Come and get any much needed therapy dog cuddles and a much more understanding dog than most-- or just find him shapeshifting.
Where: About the rig
When: Night, prior to the Adverse Rig Event
Warnings/Notes: References to imprisonment and dealing with the effects of that. There will be talk of murder and probably PTSD flashbacks in the thread with Remus. Smoking in the thread with Saturday. Will add more here as needed.

I can switch to actionspam if you prefer that.

A. Padding Around (Open)

Sirius couldn’t sleep. Considering he wasn’t welcome in his room and also that he’d taken to spending his nights as a dog lately, this wasn’t surprising. Sirius first started his nightly wandering of the halls as his usual self, then turned into his Animagus form. It was easier to be a dog, less painful, and the smells were far more interesting.

He also had the vague idea that if he were caught like this, he might be in less trouble. Or he might be in more. He’d find out once that happened.

He didn’t check out any rooms just yet. He was just wandering around and getting a mental layout of the place. If anyone approached him, he’d wag his tail and walk slowly toward them. Just a normal, friendly dog. Granted, this dog was huge Newfound-like dog, the size of a short person. Black and shaggy, he could be either terrifying or adorable, depending on one’s view.

Unless they happened to catch him while changing back to Sirius Black, as he sometimes did. In which case, they’d just get a sheepish grin.

B. I Solemnly Swear I Didn’t Betray Our Friends (Closed to Remus)

To say it had been a long day was an understatement. Sirius longed to sleep. And they had actual beds here. On the way to his room he imagined what it would be like to have a nice, restful night in peace and quie--

He stopped just inside of his room. He knew he’d have a roommate, of course. He just didn’t think it’d be…

“Remus,” he said quietly. “This is your room?”

The last time they’d talked had not gone well. It’d been pretty close to explosive, really. Sirius had little hope that this time would be better.

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That grin faded as he stared at her in confusion. He knew that she'd talked to Remus so she probably knew that Sirius had been sent to Azkaban for murder. But what did that have to do with--

"Wizard Hitler?" he repeated. He couldn't think of a famous wizard named--

And then he remembered some conversations with Lily and Remus about the parallels in Muggle history. Once again Sirius got to keenly feel the gaps in his education. The best parallel was Grindelwald-- same time. But he doubted that was what she wanted to know about.

"Do you mean Voldemort?"

Stacia shrugged.

"Probably. I thought it would be rude to interrogate our mutual acquaintance for all the details of why he was angry with you while pretending that we hadn't already spoken."

She put her hands on her hips and stared him down. If she'd had access to the gifts that made her appear more socially impressive, she'd have used them.

"I figured I'd follow up by getting your side. 'Tell me about wizard Hitler' struck me as more informative than a simple 'what the fuck'."

"I thought it'd be rude to tell you 'by the way, I've been framed and sentenced to life in Azkaban for a crime I didn't commit' while we were at a party." He tried to sound clever and funny, but he just sounded tired instead.

He'd been waiting for this to happen. While he'd tried to brace himself, there was no way to take the sting out of people believing you were everything you'd fought against.

"I don't know what Remus told you. I don't know how to explain all of it to you. But-- there are where I'm from Wizards and Muggles, people who can't use magic. Voldemort was a powerful wizard who wanted to kill all Muggles and essentially anyone who wasn't pureblood-- people who have no Muggle ancestry." He rolled his eyes. "Or so they claim." He paused, thinking over what to say next. "My friends and I fought against him and his followers. Voldemort targeted my best friend, James, his wife, Lily, and their son. They had to go into hiding but the only way to guarantee they would be safe was the Fidelius Charm-- ah--" How to explain? "It makes it so only one person knows and can divulge a secret. This secret can't be forced out of the Secret Keeper, even under torture. The Secret Keeper can tell someone else, but that person can't tell others. It was the perfect solution--" He frowned, his expression turning into one of contempt but directed inwards. "Until I ruined it.

"James wanted me to be the Secret Keeper but we knew there was a traitor very close to us. I thought it'd be safer if instead, our friend--" He couldn't even say his name without biting back a growl. "Pettigrew-- was the Secret Keeper. So we switched and told no one. And that-- fucking rat--" Now he did growl. "Barely a week and he told Voldemort. Harry survived and somehow Voldemort was destroyed but J--" His voice cracked and he looked away. He put his fist to his mouth, cleared his throat, and tried again. "James and Lily--"

It was no use. She knew already, either from Remus or the way Sirius couldn't finish the sentence.

"I went after Pettigrew and when I found him, he--" Again, he had to fight against the memories. Azkaban's hold over him was still so strong. Everything was still so clear. Not just the sights and sounds but the smell. "He blew up a street full of Muggles, cut off his finger, turned into a rat, and ran off into the sewers. They sent me to Azkaban without a trial."

He took a deep, shaky breath and looked at Stacia. "That is my side."

Well, someone had clearly been waiting to get all that off of his chest. Stacia listened attentively as he spoke, letting his words and emotions flow around her and drain until the important information was left.

Remus and Sirius both agreed that their had been betrayed by another friend to a genocidal asshole. They disagreed on who that friend was. Remus had said that Sirius' ability to turn into a dog specifically had something to do with who he was as a person, and this Pettigrew person turned into a rat and faked his death. Sirius seemed genuinely distraught over his friends' betrayal and death and blamed himself, which could be a ruse but would otherwise speak to the truth of his story. Remus hadn't said anything about whether or not Sirius had a trial, she'd have to confirm that with him.

"So what you're saying is that you knew everyone would think that you were the Secret Keeper, so you tried to throw them off the scent by using someone else, and everyone still thought you were the Secret Keeper anyway," she summarized. "Also, you live in a shitty society of lazy assholes, jeez."

Garou had trials and gifts to tell if someone was lying or not. Human wizards had no excuse.

Sirius had been waiting a year to protest his innocence. So far, the only one who he'd try to explain it to hadn't wanted to hear a word of it. He was surprised that Stacia listened to all that without a look of disgust or disbelief. Actually, he wasn't surprised. He was stunned for a few moments.

"Yes, it all backfired spectacularly," he said slowly, still processing Stacia's reaction and waiting for it to change. "I think they were more paranoid than lazy." But he wouldn't deny some of them were arses. Crouch, for sure, and he wondered why Dumbledore hadn't...

That was beside the point. They weren't here. Stacia was and she--

"You believe me?" He finally dared to ask.

He had no proof. Stacia didn't even know him as Remus did. But if she believed him that was both a tremendous relief and hurtful. Not that Stacia could be blamed for the latter.

Stacia was sticking with 'lazy and possibly corrupt' for Sirius' justice system, but that wasn't really the topic of discussion here. She pursed her lips, choosing her words carefully.

"I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt," she said. "But I can afford to; it wasn't my friends and family." It wasn't her pack, but if she started using and thinking in Garou terms, she might let slip information that she was trying to keep to herself.

"I've got some more questions though, if that's all right." She plowed ahead without waiting for an answer. "I noticed you were a dog just now, and you said Pettigrew turned into a rat. Is turning into animals that a wizard thing, like a familiar or something, or is that something else?"

She knew it was something else from her conversation with Remus -- at least, Sirius being a dog was -- but she was holding that information close to the vest, too. A secret test of Sirius' honesty.

Sirius didn't mind the questions. He expected more would come. It wasn't exactly easy to talk about any of this, but at least Stacia listened to him.

Familiars weren't exactly a thing where Sirius was from, not in his circles, but he wasn't that unfamiliar, pun unintended (or was it?), with the term.

"No, I'm an Animagus. After completing a ridiculously complicated ritual, a wizard can turn into the animal that best represents them. It's extremely difficult and very rare. It took us ages to teach Peter--" He winced at both the memory and saying that name. "Nevermind."

"So you're a dog at heart, and he's a rat at heart?"

Sirius' answer matched what Remus had told her earlier. Not that Pettigrew was a rat of course, but what an Animagus was.

"What do those animals represent in your culture? Do people know that you were both Animagi?"

Sirius let out a bitter laugh. "Yes, it's obvious now." He'd never forgive himself for missing it. "Rats-- cunning, treachery, anything associated with vermin. I don't know why we didn't see it. He was so useful as a rat, I think none of us thought about it." That didn't stop them from teasing him.

"Dogs are protective, loyal, but in the legends about ghostly black dogs they're usually omens of death." Considering how much death had been in his life, maybe that wasn't entirely wrong either.

He sighed. "Every Animagus has to register. It's carefully monitored because it was so dangerous. We were-- oh, I think thirteen when we got the idea? There was no way we'd get permission to try. So we did it on our own: me and James and-- him. If anyone found out we'd have been sent to Azkaban." Sirius's grin turned to a grimace. He'd probably already served the time he would have if they had caught him. "So only our closest friends knew. Remus knew because we did it to keep him company. Lily married James so she had to know."

About what she'd expect from a British society's opinion of dogs and rats. Still, it meant that Remus was the only person who can vouch for Sirius' dog soul and Pettigrew's rat soul, and that revealing that information would get Sirius in legal trouble anyway. Though all things considered, that society probably wouldn't trust Remus' word as a werewolf anyway.

Still, it's odd that Remus is so certain that Sirius betrayed their friends when the he's magically demonstrated that he's loyal down to his bones.

"I'm probably going to jam my foot in my mouth here, so I apologize in advance," Stacia said. "Why is Remus so certain that it was you instead of Pettigrew when you're a dog and he's a rat?"

Oh, that jamming wasn't a strong enough word for that. Sirius had been anywhere from angry to sad to devastated during the conversation, and his reaction now fit squarely in the last category. His face didn't fall so much as crumple at the question.

He couldn't blame Remus, really. He wanted to-- and probably part of him did-- but he understood. He told himself that a lot.

"I have no proof." Sirius had heard that more than once. "You have to understand, when Peter was our friend, we never really thought about it like that. I don't think he has either. He's spent a year thinking that I'm the traitor and Peter is some hero." That venom toward Peter Pettigrew quite clearly would never go away if the way his tone went acidic was anything to go by.

He paused to shake it off. "There's more but it's complicated and personal." He certainly wasn't willing to share that part of their lives with Stacia. And as for the rest of it, the terror and suspicion everyone, including him felt, that was just too hard to explain.

Stacia raised her eyebrows.

"You realize that I'll be asking Remus similar questions, don't you?" she asked. "Especially if I decide that I believe you. Which, I'll be honest, is looking pretty good for you right now."

Remus wasn't going to accept Sirius' innocence on her say-so, so the only way she could help convince him of it would be to make him question his own assumptions. Fortunately, making people question their own assumptions was literally her job.

"I suspect you've already asked him some of these questions." Sirius didn't know what to make of the fact that it still looked good for him. He needed someone here who didn't think he was a murderer. But Remus might convince her that he was just as terrible as the wizarding world thought.

Stacia also might rub salt in the wound. He wasn't sure how to warn her to tread carefully. What he and Remus meant to each other wasn't exactly accepted in the muggle world, not in his time. And even if it weren't, he doubted Remus would want Sirius to reveal it.

"Don't push him if he doesn't want to answer some questions. It's-- I hurt him," he said that last part quietly. "I should have told him. I should have done a lot of things."

"Obviously you hurt him, you dingbat," Stacia said, rolling her eyes. "He thinks you betrayed your friends to Wizard Hitler in spite of the fact that the animal most accurately representing your soul symbolizes loyalty. I don't think the whole situation with Pettigrew was your fault, he wouldn't have been a rat if he weren't tricky, but whatever you did to Remus? You'd better be prepared to grovel for it or I'm going to want to know why."

She crossed her arms. "Also, I can be very kind and gentle when I want to be. I'm only being mean and straight-forward with you because I'm giving you the trial you should have had regardless of your guilt."

"If you call this mean, you never met my mother," Sirius said shortly.

Really, dingbat and telling him to grovel was far tamer than many things that'd been said to him, especially the words he said to himself. But she was missing the point and seemed too determined to interject herself into their relationship. And that set off his temper-- a little.

"What I'm telling you is that there are things between us that aren't your business," he snapped. The words coming out quickly as his face began to flush. "I don't care what you want to know or if you're trying to give me a trial, I won't let you hurt him more just because you're curious about our relationship." He took a breath, feeling a flare of self-consciousness that he'd actually said 'relationship.' As if that applied for them now. The best you could say about their 'relationship' was it was a disaster.

Stacia sighs.

"I meant that I'm not going to press him too hard while I'm asking questions about your 'relationship', dummy," she says. "He seems like a nice guy who's been kicked around most of his life, I don't particularly care to bully him further. I'm just trying to figure out why he's so sure that you're the traitor when you're a dog. Dogs aren't exactly known for changing their loyalties."

Well, Sirius might be able to turn into a dog but he felt sheepish at the moment. Had he actually said the word relationship? Was he an idiot? Time to just hope that Stacia was one of those who just didn't think about two men being together.

He just didn't know how else to say this was not a good subject without being more explicit. Whatever reasons Remus had to believe he was the traitor probably revolved around their-- ha-- relationship and Sirius's failings.

Sirius grit his teeth. How much of that was he supposed to tell Stacia? Some things were personal. His family, his suspicions, but if it was all going to come out anyway he'd rather she hear it from him as opposed to getting it out of Remus.

He probably should confess anyway. Sirius hadn't changed his loyalty but that hadn't kept him from suspecting.

"I'm not a good dog," Sirius somehow managed to say with a straight face. "If I were, I wouldn't have trusted the wrong friend." He couldn't bring himself to give her more than that when he hadn't even talked to Remus about it. "Another reason not to trust me. My family are purebloods. They supported Voldemort." He could have mentioned his brother but that was too much for Sirius to handle at the moment.

Those memories threatened to take over. The arguments, the hurt, and Andromeda's face when she told him. And there were other memories from before when he still lived with his parents.

"I ran away and they disowned me but..." He shrugged. "I don't know what people think of that now." He leveled Stacia with a look. He'd just spilled some of his dirtiest secrets to a teenager but he knew from experience that teenagers could handle a lot. Besides, she was persistent ~~and possibly still more mature than him.~~ "Is that enough for you to leave him alone?"

Edited 2020-07-07 15:18 (UTC)

"I appreciate you trusting me with the information," Stacia says seriously with a nod of acknowledgment. "But I'm not leaving Remus alone. You asked me to keep an eye on him, remember? And I realize it's very "okay, but that was before I realized that I was going to want to strangle you with my bare hands", but now I'm fond of him. No take-backsies."

Sirius threw up his hands. "I'm not asking you to leave him alone. Don't be deliberately obtuse. I know you understand what I mean." Sirius didn't really but he had a good idea. It wasn't that long ago that he'd been a teenager himself. In some ways he'd never really grown up.

"Do you not want me to try and convince Remus that you didn't actually betray your friends?" Stacia asks. "Because let me tell you, the best way I know how to do that is asking questions until he sees the holes in his assumptions himself. I can't waltz up to him and go hey, I think Sirius isn't lying about not being the traitor, because what the hell do I know? I'm an annoying little American girl who doesn't know anything about anything. Also, he told me to avoid you, so he'd be pretty annoyed if he found out I flagrantly ignored his warning."

Sirius was about to continue snapping at Stacia but at the mention of Remus telling Stacia to avoid him, he visibly deflated. It wasn't a surprise, just a cruel reminder of where they were at. Sighing, he ran his hand through hair.

"Fine. Just--" he reminded himself that Remus and take care himself. He nodded. "I see your point."

"Glad I was able to get it across to you," Stacia said. She rubbed her hand across her eyes. "I'll admit, this is going to take some pretty deft handling, since I'm going to have to talk around some stuff that's still sore for him too. No one likes to hear "hey, maybe your dead friend who you've been mourning was actually an asshole". Most people don't even like to hear it about their living friends. So I can't really say how long it'll take for me to get through to him. But I'll try, and I'll be gentler with him than I was with you. Does that work for you?"

It was more than he deserved, but Sirius needed Remus to know anyway. He nodded.

"I'm not sure I could talk you out of it even if I wanted to," Sirius said. Seeing as he'd went off on her just a moment ago. "You're almost as stubborn as I am." He gave her a faint smile. "Thank you."

"It's true," Stacia agreed loftily. "I cannot be stopped, only distracted."

She smiled back before her expression transformed into something more sympathetic. "Also, if you need to talk, I'm really good at listening. And I don't sleep much. Nightmares and all."

"Hm, sounds familiar." Loyalty was perhaps not the only reason Sirius turned into a dog.

Of course the nightmares also sounded familiar. "I'll be in the halls most nights." That was a voluntary choice though. Remus made it clear it had to be one of them. "But maybe I should ask if you need to talk, if you have many nightmares." He sounded a little lighter now.

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some vague PTSD flashbacks in this huge tag

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apparently making up for losing the notif by giving a tl;dr comment

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